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Pig Squeel and the Mead of Kings; Johna tries his hoof at bedtime stories.
Topic Started: May 28 2012, 05:53 PM (631 Views)
JM95
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Carnivorous Herbivore
It was a perfect summer night at Sweet Apple Acres. The sky was clear, the stars were shining brightly, and Luna was showing off one of her biggest full moons of the year. Johnagold had just walked Goaty out to the barn, and he came back to the house to tell Flight Risk his bedtime story. He knocked on the door to Flight Risk and Jewels's room, hanging his hat on the hat rack.

"So, Flight Risk, ready for your bedtime story?" asked the stallion. "Ah'm sure you've got some ideas for some stories for me to tell."
Johnagold||Earth Pony||Stallion and daughter Ginger Gold//Unicorn//Filly
Heinrich||Unicorn||Stallion
The Colonel||Unicorn||Stallion
Jess//Diamond Dog//Female
Shikataro//Unikirin//Buck
Spring Blossom//Earth Pony//Mare
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yew
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"I do, but I want you to think you to think one up!" Flight Risk lay next to his mother, the blankets up to his chin. Jewels looked like she was about to fall asleep herself, but the purple foal had kept her from sleeping to hear the bedtime story. She'd protested that she didn't need one because she was already sleepy, but Flight Risk hadn't been willing to hear even a little of it. He had said Johnagold was an awesome story teller and that she simply had to stay awake.

Jewels looked far from pleased to be in the situation. It'd been a really long say and she just wanted to get some sleep. Hopefully there wouldn't be anything to do tomorrow, she'd rather sleep the day away there as well. Sleep and eat. Sleep and eat.
Jewels//Pegasus//Mare
Flight Risk//Earth Pony//Colt
Mystique//Earth Pony//Female
Princess Jasmine//Dragon//Mare
Lovecraft//Alikirin//Doe
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JM95
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Carnivorous Herbivore
Johnagold yawned. He was truly exhausted, and an exhausted Johna was just about the most ridiculously silly thing you'd ever see, but he could still tell an awesome story.

"Well, Ah do have a really good story Ah could tell y'all," he said, putting a hoof to his chin. "It's 'bout a legendary warrior from the North who quests for a magic cup of mead. It's kinda crude and violent, though, so Ah'd need your ma's permission to tell it, Flight Risk."
Johnagold||Earth Pony||Stallion and daughter Ginger Gold//Unicorn//Filly
Heinrich||Unicorn||Stallion
The Colonel||Unicorn||Stallion
Jess//Diamond Dog//Female
Shikataro//Unikirin//Buck
Spring Blossom//Earth Pony//Mare
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yew
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"Sure, why not?" It'd probably make up for how awful it was going to be. Jewels was going to regret only half having had listened to him when she heard the actual story. Flight Risk elbowed his mother, nodding enthusiastically. "This is gonna be good Ma, just you wait… And don't fall asleep!" Jewels was still dubious though. Johnagold looked about ready to drop on the spot in tiredness. How in Equestria was he going to tell a good story?
Jewels//Pegasus//Mare
Flight Risk//Earth Pony//Colt
Mystique//Earth Pony//Female
Princess Jasmine//Dragon//Mare
Lovecraft//Alikirin//Doe
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JM95
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Carnivorous Herbivore
"Allright, y'all," said Johnagold, "Here we go. Ah call this one Pig Squeel and the Mead of Kings"

In the unforgivin' tundras of the North, where the Gods of Metal forge the greatest of all music, there lived a brutal, shaggy, battle-scarred Vikin' warrior named Pig Squeel. The Gods 'specially loved him, 'cause he he played his magical battle axe-guitar, Fjordbucker, for them every day. The epic tunes this guitar crafted could send entire hordes marchin' back home, cryin' to their mamas.

There was one problem, though. Pig Squeel was growin' old, and soon he would be made into glue just like his ancestors were. He didn't want that, and neither did the Gods of Metal, 'cause they would never hear his ear-splittin' music ever again. So one day, the Gods gave a message to Pig Squeel.

"Pig Squeel, your days are numbered in this world, and soon you'll die and turn to glue for little fillies and colts to make their ma's macaroni art with. We're givin' you a map to the immortality-grantin' Mead of Kings so you can play your beautiful music forever."

"The Mead of Kings?" asked Pig Squeel. "What's that?"

The Gods replied, "It's a magical mead that lets you live forever. Didn't you get that from what we just said?"

But yeah, the Mead of Kings was awesome, it was like what would happen if y'all could bottle up a princess into a drink made from fermented honey and spices. And Ah do declare, it was the most amazin' thang ever.

Pig Squeel decided to look for this great beverage, and with his map from the Gods of Metal, set off on his quest...

Johnagold||Earth Pony||Stallion and daughter Ginger Gold//Unicorn//Filly
Heinrich||Unicorn||Stallion
The Colonel||Unicorn||Stallion
Jess//Diamond Dog//Female
Shikataro//Unikirin//Buck
Spring Blossom//Earth Pony//Mare
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yew
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"Immortally old, way to go gods. Thanks for telling him sooner." Jewels neighed sarcastically, a little crappy that she wasn't allowed to fall asleep. It was a good story so far… She just didn't want to be awake at all.

Flight Risk put a hoof to his mouth at the mention of glue. Such an epic pony turned to glue! Oh noz! Something had to be done! He was very happy to hear that the Gods of Metal were going to save the stallion from his sticky fate. Too awesome to be glue. But if he were glue he'd be the most sticky sticky glue ever. Flight Risk put a hoof to his Ma's mouth gently. "Jist listen here Ma, he's a mighty fine story teller.

And I bet he has other talents as well. Snickered the cloud that she'd stuffed under the bed. It had wanted to come inside, what else could she do? Clouds could be pretty stubborn.
Jewels//Pegasus//Mare
Flight Risk//Earth Pony//Colt
Mystique//Earth Pony//Female
Princess Jasmine//Dragon//Mare
Lovecraft//Alikirin//Doe
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JM95
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Carnivorous Herbivore
Johnagold blushed and responded to Julie. "Yeah, the Gods of Metal ain't the sharpest tools in the shed, but this part's where the story gets good, so let's continue."

The first place Pig Squeel had to pass through on the way to the mountain where the Mead of Kings was located was the Plains of Misery. Everythin' there looked so miserably miserable. The miserable grass was gray, it was miserably rainy and muddy, and the miserable little bunnies hoppin' 'round looked miserably thin and starved. Did Ah mention how miserable it was? Ah did? Okay, then.

So Pig Squeel, ridin' on his trusty goat and with Fjordbucker at the ready, traveled through the Plains of Misery. The plains were havin' a really messed up effect on him, y'all. He was startin' to become as sad as those poor little bunnies who didn't have no food to eat. He was almost losin' his will to quest onward, but not yet. His goat gave him some words of encouragement, and he felt a lot better.

Suddenly, some Evil Black Snakes of Evil showed up and thought they could make Pig Squeel their little plaything. But Pig Squeel was a badflank, if y'all didn't already notice. He jumped dramatically off of his goat and smashed the snakes' heads in with Fjordbucker's axe blade, sendin' their brains all a-flyin'. He took what remained of their skulls and made himself a cup that he could use to drink the Mead of Kings.

After he did that, Pig Squeel got back on his goat, pulled out a cigarette, and smoked like a true buckin' badflank. Pig Squeel rode majestically through the last mile of the Plains of Misery, his next destination quickly approachin'.
Johnagold||Earth Pony||Stallion and daughter Ginger Gold//Unicorn//Filly
Heinrich||Unicorn||Stallion
The Colonel||Unicorn||Stallion
Jess//Diamond Dog//Female
Shikataro//Unikirin//Buck
Spring Blossom//Earth Pony//Mare
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yew
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Jewels was starting to regret having been so willing to just say yes, but was too lazy to say anything. To do so would require the effort on her part to move flight Risk's hoof off her mouth, and it just wasn't worth the bother. She was tired enough as it was without actually doing anything.

Flight Risk's eyes went wide in hearing about the skulls, but he kept on listening, enraptured by the story. What a violent dude. But it was no different than the anime they watched in their broadcasting crystal. Or as humans would call it, a TV. Only with words rather than images. And less bloody because there was no blood to be seen.
Jewels//Pegasus//Mare
Flight Risk//Earth Pony//Colt
Mystique//Earth Pony//Female
Princess Jasmine//Dragon//Mare
Lovecraft//Alikirin//Doe
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JM95
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Carnivorous Herbivore
The second place Pig Squeel and his goat wandered through was a little town filled entirely with hayburger stands. Our hero, bein’ a big fan of his hayburgers, felt right at home. He ate like, fifty of 'em 'cause he hadn't had no real food for 'bout, uh, two or three days. Somepony recognized who Pig Squeel was as he rode his goat down the street. It was a little foal, who looked like a peasant of some sort, and he was bein’ mauled by two big Diamond Dogs.

“Mister Pig Squeel!” the foal shrieked. “HEEEEEEELLLP!”

“Ah’m comin’!” said Pig Squeel as he jumped off of his goat and ran to the foal’s assistance. He flayed both Diamond Dogs with Fjordbucker, and when he noticed they were still twitchin’, he tied their intestines together in such a way that they would have to digest each other’s food.

“Thanks, Pig Squeel!” the peasant foal squeaked as he hugged the Vikin’ warrior.

“You’re the greatest!”

“No, you are,” replied Pig Squeel, returnin’ the hug. “By the way, what’s your name?”

“Ah’m Danger Zone, Ah work at the hayburger farm nearby.”

“Why’d they call you Danger Zone?”

“Ah was born in a nuclear waste facility.”

“Oh. Do you wanna go find the Mead of Kings with me?” asked Pig Squeel. “Ah’m sure that peasant life of yours is pretty borin’.”

“Yeah, let’s go! But before we get goin’, could you play that guitar of yours for me?”

Pig Squeel grabbed Danger Zone, and placed him on the goat. They rode a few yards outta the hayburger town, and Pig Squeel played a chord on Fjordbucker. Just the sound comin’ from the guitar was enough to send the entire town collapsin’ into flames.

“How was that, pardner?” asked Pig Squeel.
Danger Zone just stared at what was left of his town in pure awe.
Johnagold||Earth Pony||Stallion and daughter Ginger Gold//Unicorn//Filly
Heinrich||Unicorn||Stallion
The Colonel||Unicorn||Stallion
Jess//Diamond Dog//Female
Shikataro//Unikirin//Buck
Spring Blossom//Earth Pony//Mare
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yew
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By this point in time Flight Risk had the vague suspicion that the characters in this story were representative of real life characters. There was an amazing stallion. And there was a goat. A wise awesome goat that had managed to talk his stubborn mother into cloud sculpting again. Goaty wasn't very energetic, but he was definitely awesome by Flight Risk's eyes. "My middle name's Danger!" He crowed in excitement, hooves waving in the air in excitement. Jewels nodded to confirm this, showing he wasn't just joking. His middle name really was Danger.
Jewels//Pegasus//Mare
Flight Risk//Earth Pony//Colt
Mystique//Earth Pony//Female
Princess Jasmine//Dragon//Mare
Lovecraft//Alikirin//Doe
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JM95
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Johnagold smiled at Julie and Flight Risk. "Well ain't that a neat coincidence, huh? Now back to the story."

Pig Squeel, with Danger Zone and his trusty goat by his side, encountered their third destination: Saddle Arabia. For some odd reason, they had ended up there, even though it was on the opposite side of the world from the Mead of Kings. For the convenience of the plot, Pig Squeel's goat had magic transformation powers, and had temporarily become a camel so he could navigate the desert.

"Why the buck did we end up here?" asked Pig Squeel.

"Ah dunno," replied Danger Zone.

"'Cause the Gods of Metal are a bunch of dumbflanks, that's why," said the goat, or camel, or whatever.
The Gods of Metal looked down angrily upon Pig Squeel and his friends. "What did y'all just call us?" they asked.

"We're all just wonderin' why we're in Saddle Arabia, that's all," replied Pig Squeel.

"Saddle Arabia?" asked the Gods of Metal. "How the buck did y'all end up here?"

"That's where the map said to go."

"Oh, horseapples," replied the Gods of Metal. "We drew the map wrong. But you can take a little break here for a while as we draw y'all a new map."

"Okay," said Pig Squeel. "Let's go, y'all. Y'know what they say 'bout those exotic babes..."

"What're babes?" asked Danger Zone.

"Oh, you'll find out," replied Pig Squeel. "Come on Mr. Goat. Aren't you comin'?"

"Meh, Ah guess so."

And the three of them entered the capital of Saddle Arabia, ready to hang out with the Sultan's harem.

Johnagold||Earth Pony||Stallion and daughter Ginger Gold//Unicorn//Filly
Heinrich||Unicorn||Stallion
The Colonel||Unicorn||Stallion
Jess//Diamond Dog//Female
Shikataro//Unikirin//Buck
Spring Blossom//Earth Pony//Mare
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yew
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"I know what a babe is!" Flight Risk spoke up in his own defense. "I'm one… Well kinda. I'm more of a colt than a baby babe." He was assuming that babe just meant baby. Jewels giggled softly. It was something he'd been doing for years, but she could never bring herself to correct him. That would be the end of the joke as they knew it.
Jewels//Pegasus//Mare
Flight Risk//Earth Pony//Colt
Mystique//Earth Pony//Female
Princess Jasmine//Dragon//Mare
Lovecraft//Alikirin//Doe
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JM95
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Carnivorous Herbivore
Johnagold chuckled to himself, as well. Flight Risk's lack of knowledge about grown-up things was really becoming an inside joke between Johnagold and Jewels. Johnagold continued the story:

There was one problem, though. The Sultan was a big ol' douchey douche and wouldn't let Pig Squeel, Danger Zone, and Mr. Goat (or should Ah say camel) into his palace. They wouldn't be able to enter unless they, too, were Saddle Arabian nobility.

"Get out of mah palace, you stupid roadies!" the Sultan shouted as he kicked the three of them down his palace stairs. Pig Squeel and company tumbled down the stairs, fallin' in a heap on the ground.

"We gotta get in there," said Pig Squeel. "There's just too much fun we'll be missin' if we let the Sultan have his way."

Suddenly, Pig Squeel had an idea. "Danger Zone, you mind workin' up some fake tears so we can make the Sultan feel guilty for bein' such a meanie?"

"Ah'll do it," replied Danger Zone. The little foal started fake cryin' and hollerin' as Pig Squeel and Mr. Goat carried him up the stairs.

"Do you realize what you did, mister Sultan?" asked Pig Squeel. "You just made a poor little foal hurt himself!"

"Well, too bad," replied the Sultan. "He ain't Saddle Arabian, so who cares 'bout him anyway?"

Pig Squeel was really ticked now. He was all like, "Ah care 'bout him, Packmule," and pulled out Fjordbucker and slashed the Sultan's head right off his mean little shoulders. Pig Squeel then put the Sultan's turban on his head in place of his Vikin' helmet and said, "Looks like Ah'm the Sultan, now. Let's head in!" And they all headed into the Sultan's palace.

Johnagold||Earth Pony||Stallion and daughter Ginger Gold//Unicorn//Filly
Heinrich||Unicorn||Stallion
The Colonel||Unicorn||Stallion
Jess//Diamond Dog//Female
Shikataro//Unikirin//Buck
Spring Blossom//Earth Pony//Mare
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yew
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Flight Risk leapt out of the bed and started jumping up and down in joy at the story. Johnagolod was the most epic pony ever! Unfortunately… While Flight Risk was able to cry easily he'd never thought to manipulate ponies with it. It didn't work for the Sultan, but it could work for other ponies. Oh Johnagold, what have you done? What have you unleashed?
Jewels//Pegasus//Mare
Flight Risk//Earth Pony//Colt
Mystique//Earth Pony//Female
Princess Jasmine//Dragon//Mare
Lovecraft//Alikirin//Doe
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JM95
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Carnivorous Herbivore
Johnagold saw the mischievous glint in Flight Risk's eyes. "Ah know what you're thinkin', Flight Risk, so you better not go ‘round cryin’ and beggin' for stuff like Danger Zone."

Pig Squeel, Danger Zone, and Mr.Goat, Ah mean Camel, walked into the Sultan's court. There were tons of good-lookin' Arabian mares everywhere, and Pig Squeel and his friends were given lots of food to eat and drinks to drink. Pig Squeel sat himself amongst all of the Sultan's harem as he talked 'bout his adventures tryin' to find the Mead of Kings. However, Pig Squeel noticed a mare wearin' a hijab reachin’ for her scimitar as three mean-lookin’ stallions got all in her space.

"How many times have Ah told y'all? Leave me alone!" she shouted at them.

One of the stallions grabbed her by the front leg and said, "We ain't gonna go away 'till you give us what we want."

Pig Squeel walked up to the scene, brandishing Fjordbucker. "She said to leave her alone," he growled.

"Oh, so you came here for a little fun with Princess Gemstones, too?" asked one of the stallions. "Well, you ain't gonna get none. She's already taken by us."

Pig Squeel glared at the three stallions. "No. Ah came here...TO ROCK!" Pig Squeel played three chords on Fjordbucker, sendin' the three drunk-flank stallions splatterin' against the wall from the sound waves. He then approached the princess and began talkin’ with her.

“Thank you, sir,” said the princess, brushin’ herself off. “But Ah coulda handled that mahself. However, traditions say that Ah must do somethin’ for y’all in return, though. Is there anythin’ you particularly want from me?”

“Well,” replied Pig Squeel, “Ah’m lookin’ for the Mead of Kings with a couple of mah buddies. We could use another member on the team for some extra defense against monsters and stuff. We could also use a nice mare to look purty and promote us.”

“Ah ain’t that kinda princess,” replied Princess Gemstones. “Ah’ll do the whole defendin’ against monsters routine, but Ah ain’t gonna do no eye candy garbage.”

“Suit yourself,” said Pig Squeel as he took a mug of cider off of a table and took a big gulp. “Welcome to the team, Princess,” he said with a grin.

And so Team Pig Squeel was united as one for the first time. And with a newly drawn map from the Gods of Metal, they headed for Honeycomb Mountain, where the Mead of Kings was sittin’ in its drinkin’ horn, ready for Pig Squeel’s thirsty mouth.
Johnagold||Earth Pony||Stallion and daughter Ginger Gold//Unicorn//Filly
Heinrich||Unicorn||Stallion
The Colonel||Unicorn||Stallion
Jess//Diamond Dog//Female
Shikataro//Unikirin//Buck
Spring Blossom//Earth Pony//Mare
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